Comments on: The Heart of Infidelity http://breathlessnoon.com/2006/08/27/the-heart-of-infidelity/ Religion, Philosophy, Life Sat, 30 Aug 2008 00:03:55 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.0.4 by: anne mc http://breathlessnoon.com/2006/08/27/the-heart-of-infidelity/#comment-16984 Sat, 17 Nov 2007 22:55:13 +0000 http://breathlessnoon.com/2006/08/27/the-heart-of-infidelity/#comment-16984 i have been trying to become more informed on this subjet.Your writing has helped me understand why the inital reaction to the dicovery of infedility is so unbearably painful. i have been trying to become more informed on this subjet.Your writing has helped me understand why the inital reaction to the dicovery of infedility is so unbearably painful.

]]> by: Rob W http://breathlessnoon.com/2006/08/27/the-heart-of-infidelity/#comment-15449 Wed, 10 Oct 2007 20:05:51 +0000 http://breathlessnoon.com/2006/08/27/the-heart-of-infidelity/#comment-15449 The problem is simple. We take infedility against us as involving us because we take a person's love for us as telling us something good about ourselves. In other words, we believe that the person who loves us loves us so much that it crowds out all potential for love with someone else. Given that basic belief, if a person goes against their word to honor their love for us by not having sexual or emotional intimacy for another, it means that they must no longer love us. But if we take someone's love for us as not telling us we are a great person, then things are different. The fact is that I have felt attracted to people outside of the relationship in every relationship I have been in. Then the infidelity becomes a question of a person's ability to maintain a promise in the face of powerful feelings of attraction to another. It hurts when it happens--because within it is the threat that the infidelity to another will result in the loss of the loved one. But the hurt should never be about one's own worth to the worl. The problem is simple. We take infedility against us as involving us because we take a person’s love for us as telling us something good about ourselves. In other words, we believe that the person who loves us loves us so much that it crowds out all potential for love with someone else. Given that basic belief, if a person goes against their word to honor their love for us by not having sexual or emotional intimacy for another, it means that they must no longer love us.

But if we take someone’s love for us as not telling us we are a great person, then things are different. The fact is that I have felt attracted to people outside of the relationship in every relationship I have been in. Then the infidelity becomes a question of a person’s ability to maintain a promise in the face of powerful feelings of attraction to another. It hurts when it happens–because within it is the threat that the infidelity to another will result in the loss of the loved one. But the hurt should never be about one’s own worth to the worl.

]]> by: Mary http://breathlessnoon.com/2006/08/27/the-heart-of-infidelity/#comment-13465 Thu, 09 Aug 2007 05:02:34 +0000 http://breathlessnoon.com/2006/08/27/the-heart-of-infidelity/#comment-13465 I'm young (respectively) and attempting to find closure from my first true love. My first marry me. My first you and only you forever. It was long distance, and he cheated. I've realized for a while that it was him. And that it was a temporary espace from the personal trauma he was dealing with at the time.That once it happened he couldn't deal with it what hed done to me- hence the sharp end to our communication. That she was there to catch him when he felt terriable about himself. And has been every since. But i wanted to say thank you for writing this article. Because hearing the words that have been floating in my head from someone else- someone who was once "young and dumb" makes me feel like i am right. It has nothing to do if he loved me. It had nothing to do with us. It had nothing to do with me (well not alot). But it is him and a reflection of his character and the fact that he was/is broken. I simpily wish there was a way i could help him to be strong and to help ease the pain hes constantly trying to escape from. But i've also come to realize that as much as i love him- i can't save him. So again, i simply wanted to say thank you. I’m young (respectively) and attempting to find closure from my first true love. My first marry me. My first you and only you forever. It was long distance, and he cheated. I’ve realized for a while that it was him. And that it was a temporary espace from the personal trauma he was dealing with at the time.That once it happened he couldn’t deal with it what hed done to me- hence the sharp end to our communication. That she was there to catch him when he felt terriable about himself. And has been every since. But i wanted to say thank you for writing this article. Because hearing the words that have been floating in my head from someone else- someone who was once “young and dumb” makes me feel like i am right. It has nothing to do if he loved me. It had nothing to do with us. It had nothing to do with me (well not alot). But it is him and a reflection of his character and the fact that he was/is broken. I simpily wish there was a way i could help him to be strong and to help ease the pain hes constantly trying to escape from. But i’ve also come to realize that as much as i love him- i can’t save him. So again, i simply wanted to say thank you.

]]> by: Suzzie http://breathlessnoon.com/2006/08/27/the-heart-of-infidelity/#comment-13258 Fri, 03 Aug 2007 14:55:27 +0000 http://breathlessnoon.com/2006/08/27/the-heart-of-infidelity/#comment-13258 A friend told me to read this entry and he was right...really cool!!!I've read it three times since the 1st and It puts a whole new perspective on things...Absolutely looovely! A friend told me to read this entry and he was right…really cool!!!I’ve read it three times since the 1st and It puts a whole new perspective on things…Absolutely looovely!

]]> by: karny http://breathlessnoon.com/2006/08/27/the-heart-of-infidelity/#comment-13229 Thu, 02 Aug 2007 10:49:20 +0000 http://breathlessnoon.com/2006/08/27/the-heart-of-infidelity/#comment-13229 Thank you so much for writing this. Thank you so much for writing this.

]]> by: Ngetha http://breathlessnoon.com/2006/08/27/the-heart-of-infidelity/#comment-13200 Wed, 01 Aug 2007 11:09:00 +0000 http://breathlessnoon.com/2006/08/27/the-heart-of-infidelity/#comment-13200 Hey, i like this, soo much i think i'll tell the world about it. It really makes sense and opens my eyes to sooo many things that i have overlooked. Great article, in swahili we say "Kazi Nzuri" (Good job)! Hey, i like this, soo much i think i’ll tell the world about it. It really makes sense and opens my eyes to sooo many things that i have overlooked.

Great article, in swahili we say “Kazi Nzuri” (Good job)!

]]> by: Amber Simmons http://breathlessnoon.com/2006/08/27/the-heart-of-infidelity/#comment-13175 Tue, 31 Jul 2007 17:59:19 +0000 http://breathlessnoon.com/2006/08/27/the-heart-of-infidelity/#comment-13175 Melanie: People break their allegiances for many, many reasons. My intentions aren't to "blame" anyone. In your case, it sounds like your husband wasn't doing his part to uphold a right relationship. The relationship itself was broken. But in the end, no one made your decision to act but you. And me. This is as much about me and my battles with infidelity as anything. So I don't stand here pointing fingers. I'm standing here looking in a mirror. Melanie:

People break their allegiances for many, many reasons. My intentions aren’t to “blame” anyone. In your case, it sounds like your husband wasn’t doing his part to uphold a right relationship. The relationship itself was broken. But in the end, no one made your decision to act but you.

And me. This is as much about me and my battles with infidelity as anything. So I don’t stand here pointing fingers. I’m standing here looking in a mirror.

]]> by: Melanie http://breathlessnoon.com/2006/08/27/the-heart-of-infidelity/#comment-13154 Mon, 30 Jul 2007 23:45:07 +0000 http://breathlessnoon.com/2006/08/27/the-heart-of-infidelity/#comment-13154 Perhaps you're right. It's all the cheater's fault, ego and character and all that. Yes, it plays a part. But there's no way it's just the cheater's fault. The cheater (myself in particular) has spent many years with a man who is guininely loving and caring, and whom I love. But for so long there was impatience, drinking, anger, under the surface tension.. and a lack of love and desire from him. I wanted to be wild and open with him, but was told I was "demanding". I was open to something else. It happened. Now I am leaving my partner and now he is treating me with everything I wanted for so long, he now wants me so much, but it's too late, because I can't make love with him any more because I love this other person. Too much, too little, too late.. ha ha cliches.. Everyone has needs, and it's certainly not sex! It is love. I never wanted this pain, the hideousness of separation (child involved), but looking at it, it seems rather inevitable. We are who we are, and I don't think we can help what we feel. To suggest it's down to "character" is to suggest a lack of something in the (as you put it) "perpetrator". It's a suggestion of blame. Perhaps you’re right. It’s all the cheater’s fault, ego and character and all that. Yes, it plays a part.

But there’s no way it’s just the cheater’s fault. The cheater (myself in particular) has spent many years with a man who is guininely loving and caring, and whom I love. But for so long there was impatience, drinking, anger, under the surface tension.. and a lack of love and desire from him. I wanted to be wild and open with him, but was told I was “demanding”.

I was open to something else. It happened. Now I am leaving my partner and now he is treating me with everything I wanted for so long, he now wants me so much, but it’s too late, because I can’t make love with him any more because I love this other person. Too much, too little, too late.. ha ha cliches.. Everyone has needs, and it’s certainly not sex! It is love.

I never wanted this pain, the hideousness of separation (child involved), but looking at it, it seems rather inevitable. We are who we are, and I don’t think we can help what we feel.

To suggest it’s down to “character” is to suggest a lack of something in the (as you put it) “perpetrator”. It’s a suggestion of blame.

]]> by: gareth http://breathlessnoon.com/2006/08/27/the-heart-of-infidelity/#comment-12562 Fri, 13 Jul 2007 13:13:29 +0000 http://breathlessnoon.com/2006/08/27/the-heart-of-infidelity/#comment-12562 Amber, i followed you here from a comment on seethrew.blogspot - Barry is a mentor type figure of mine. Thoroughly enjoyed your writings, design and honesty. I'll be back. I'm in a stage of life when i'm asking the calling and companionship type questions (where am i going? and who will i go with?), and the fear of infidelity, or loving too many people, is very real for us. Thanks again... Amber, i followed you here from a comment on seethrew.blogspot - Barry is a mentor type figure of mine.
Thoroughly enjoyed your writings, design and honesty. I’ll be back. I’m in a stage of life when i’m asking the calling and companionship type questions (where am i going? and who will i go with?), and the fear of infidelity, or loving too many people, is very real for us. Thanks again…

]]> by: Olivia http://breathlessnoon.com/2006/08/27/the-heart-of-infidelity/#comment-11993 Mon, 25 Jun 2007 12:57:31 +0000 http://breathlessnoon.com/2006/08/27/the-heart-of-infidelity/#comment-11993 How many forms of cheating are there? Please define "mind or emotional" cheating. Should a relationship/marriage of 24 yrs that constantly experiences "mind or emotional" cheating by the male spouse, who continuosly denies it, wants to stay married, but still enjoy "mind or emotional" cheating, seek to repair this or just give up & go seperate ways? This man makes his actions more than obvious when out socially with a group of friends, and also refuses to admit it or seek counselling. How should this be remedied? How many forms of cheating are there? Please define “mind or emotional” cheating.

Should a relationship/marriage of 24 yrs that constantly experiences “mind or emotional” cheating by the male spouse, who continuosly denies it, wants to stay married, but still enjoy “mind or emotional” cheating, seek to repair this or just give up & go seperate ways?

This man makes his actions more than obvious when out socially with a group of friends, and also refuses to admit it or seek counselling.

How should this be remedied?

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