Religious Apathy
November 12th, 2006
The past few months have found my interest in spiritual matters, let alone religion and God, dwindling greatly. Where I once would sit and read my beloved theologians for hours, now I find that I have very little patience for them. This trend disturbs me, likely because it feels so foreign. All my life I’ve been intensely interested in religion, and I’ve always seen myself as something of a visionary, offering up a view of God and theory that was rich, fulfilling, and unique. But lately I feel as though I can’t be bothered; I’m much more interested in discourses about Web 3.0, the politics of compromise, cultural activism, and the direction of my own personal career.
I’m tempted in part to chalk it up to entering my thirties and being both confused and passionate about my venture into radical adulthood. But I don’t know if that’s entirely true.
I’ve long labeled myself a faithful agnostic—this unique bird that believed in God, despite her logical inclination to disbelieve—simply because I enjoyed the mythology that surrounded me in the depths of my belief. I chose to believe not out of compulsion but desire—I believed because I hoped. And that was fine.
But today I find myself in a worse position—believing without caring. I believe in God because I always have, but I no longer feel the desire for God in my world. I don’t find myself looking. I haven’t read anything on mysticism in who knows how long. Even the subjects tangentially related—relationships, ethics, faith—have been difficult to think about or write about. And it isn’t that my interest in those subjects that waned, for it hasn’t. The real trouble is my personal deep association of those subjects with process theology, Kabbalah, theurgy—subjects which, at least for the moment, do not stir me the way they once did, resulting in a general malaise toward my tangential studies. I read about free culture and the social ethic of sharing versus single-ownership, and I have thoughts and ideas and things I want to say, but I lack the energy to say them the way I want to say them. Or worse, I feel again as though I haven’t any business speaking about such subjects when I am such a newcomer to that world.
Theology I know. I have that knowledge in spades. I’ve been doing that my whole life. It is frightening, then, to admit that at the moment I have little use that for that information, and very little I want to say about it. I’ve built a reputation around being the most well versed, well rounded, most eloquent person in the room on any given religious topic, and to wake up one morning to the hard stabs of religious apathy is discouraging. Depressing. Sickening.
But I shall do what scholars do. I will follow my interests, follow my heart, and write what I can about whatever it is I love at the moment. For all the knowledge in the world won’t make anyone listen to what I have to say if I lack heart, or spirit. And perhaps that is the lesson to be learned in all of this—it isn’t knowledge alone, but a package that comes complete with guts and energy and elegance that makes the words worth hearing. And until I find that again, I will remain silent on issues of religion in this blog.
It’s interesting that you’ve written this, Amber, as I too went through this as I entered my 30s. I was not/am not as knowledgeable in theology as you are, yet religion was my center point and I can remember at certain points making the choice to let it all go/set it aside as my life was progressing forward.
I’m 40 now and much hasn’t changed for me, although, I know that I’m slowly trying to reconnect. I added sites such as yours to my blogroll for that reason.
I’m a different person than I was when I set aside religion. Experiences and growth necessitated it. At this point, my thoughts on religion are hard to express and until I can do that, I pretty much keep my fragments of thought on them to myself.
Take care, Amber, and know that while your experiences will be your own, you are not alone in your thoughts.
This was somewhere between uncomfortable and painful to read. I’ve never experienced a loss or waning of spiritual faith or interest, but the manifestation of apathy towards things I’d thought fundamental to my self is familiar. The result is questioning not only “How did this happen?” but at the same time trying to figure out “Will it come back…?” and “What now…?” The uncertainty of whether the wonder, the passion, the internalization will return can be an incredible cruelty of consciousness. And somehow, sometimes, “keepin’ on keepin’ on” seems like more of a reminder than a distraction.
Dear Amber,
The restlessness comes to one & all. Take trees for instance, they grow and grow and then at some stage, they just branch out and spread and then again stay. Then new leaves fall & new ones take their place, but the tree then grows slowly.
So too comes a time in one’s life, when you must probably just take stock of things you have done without any action, but just slowly let it all either be within or flow out. And even if it flows out, it will flow somewhere good.
Religion is after all a very private affair, a communion with your faith & belief. Maybe the time has come to not renew or grow but to let it settle, which also takes time. The pot when overfull may be of no use as much can go to waste. So just enough is good to now let it stand. Words need not be said. Even if you just put a painting of your up- it may say much more. Sometimes, a blank page is easier to describe than words strung together.
So take heart and let the calm sea not toss any waves to the shore, but let it just roll along, & who know s what other pearls you may pick up along….
warm Regards
Aletha
Dear Amber, I hope that you change your mind about remaining silent on the religious apathy that you are experiencing.The truth is that as I read your blog the last thing that I was experiencing was a lack of heart and spirit.To be perfectly honest, I believe that the struggle for passion within our faith and belief can be more authenic then just kicking back and taking it all for granite.To be blunt,I would say that the latter condition is just a disguised case of spiritual apathy at a higher and more dangerous level.
The more one thinks about the required conditions for growth or advance in any field of endeaver, the closer we come to understand the meaning of the dificulties that we encounter on our way. All growth requires a struggle with the reality of what is, as we journey onward toward a reality that is yet to be. It is our pushing against resistence that makes us stronger then we are. I don’t believe that any of us can be exempt from the struggle for clarity of existence.
Hi Amber,
First I will tell you that I am a born again Christian.
Your comments about your journey remind me of a man I worked with some years ago who although raised as a Jew spent much time studying other religions - in particular Christianity and its sects. Whereas I am someone who studies the Bible - and does not spend a whole lot of time studying other relgions (except to understand how to reach people from them), he was someone who could elucidate doctrines of different relgions and sects. And he knew the doctrines of Christianity better than many Christians I know. But he was missing something. He would always argue points as if they were his own - but in the end I found that it was just an intellectual exercise for him. He did not believe - and it seemed to me, he did not really believe anything (yet?).
Could that be your problem? Having all this knowledge about religion, have you failed to commit completely to one? Perhaps you haven’t found the truth yet.
I have studied the Bible for many years and I become more convinced everyday that it is God’s Word. And I am convinced - beyond a shadow of doubt, that Jesus Christ is God’s Son - sent into the world to save sinners. I know, I know, you have heard it all before. But I tell you truly, Jesus Christ is in fact God’s interface to man - He is the God-Man. It is only through Him that we can see or reach God - or eternal life.
Colossians 1:15
“He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation.”
John 1:18
“No one has seen God at any time. The only begotten Son, who is in the bosom of the Father, He has declared Him.”
Really, He is everything. Through Him God made the worlds (Heb 1:2, John 1:1-4). He is God come down from Heaven to be a man - that He might redeem His fallen creation. Look at this amazing verse:
1 Corinthians 15:47
“The first man was of the earth, made of dust; the second Man is the Lord from heaven.”
I am just amazed everytime I read it - why would God empty Himself of His glory - to come down and live as a peasant - for what? For us. But we need to believe that He is who He says He is.
Those who have Christ have everything. Those who do not have Him - have nothing! This life will soon pass away.
1 John 5:12
“He who has the Son has life; he who does not have the Son of God does not have life.”
PS: I enjoyed your stories from your childhood. They sorrow me also though because in them are people who claim to be Christians and yet do not act as they should. This is the whole difficulty that many people have with Christianity - those seeking to spread it are themselves imperfect vessels of the message. Some are really not believers - or have missed the real truth of the message. Others, while they are true believers are yet imperfect people and make many mistakes (in need of a Savior, eh?). This verse comes to mind:
2 Corinthians 4:7
“But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us.”
Michael
Hey Amber,
I realize this just under a year after you posted this, but I felt compelled to add my two centavos (which is less valuable than two cents). I think you and I are kindred spirits in that we’re both seekers of truth. We’ve thrown off the tendency to say “God is this and only this” or “Truth can only be found in this particular scripture or in this particular church.” In doing that, we’ve opened our minds up to incredible opportunities to learn and grow. At the same time, frankly, we’re exposed to a lot of truths. It’s like going from a bowl of cereal to a smörgåsbord; it takes a little longer to digest it. … Leave it to a fat guy to give a food analogy.
Anyway, to address your apathy, I wanted to bring up a revelation that is all of 3 hours old. I recently picked up Jan Chozen Bays’ book Jizo Bodhisattva, some light reading on a famous Buddhist saint. I’m not a Buddhist, but I am fascinated by their myths, legends, practices and beliefs. … In the preface of the book, Bays talks about the four Jizo’s that are covered in the book: the historical Jizo, the Jizo that’s the savior of children and lost souls, the practices associated with following his teachings, and the practices that involve taking on his attributes and qualities.
Okay, I’ll get to my point soon … In talking about the practices, he says very poignantly that a picture of a bowl of rice won’t take away hunger. In other words, when you study religions, scriptures, and theology, you’re looking at pictures of rice bowls. It isn’t until you start putting what you learn into practice that you start nourishing your spirit — faith in action, so to speak.
For me, that has been my been stumbling block. Like you, I am extraordinarily versed in scriptures of many faiths. I know their histories, their founders’ stories, their saints, some of their rituals, some of their prayers, and much of the theology surrounding them. And yet, if I haven’t actively cultivated a spirit of love for my fellow human by reaching out and applying the teachings, then it’s like looking at the menu but never ordering. Sure, you know the menu back and forth, but you don’t know if the food’s any good and you’re still hungry. (It’s almost dinner time, can’t you tell?)
So, that’s my two centavos’ worth of spiritual ramblings for the day. I hope after a year you’ve been able to move on a bit. If not, I hope this helps.