Between Death and Rebirth
November 13th, 2006
My family and I went to the Texas Renaissance Festival last weekend, as we do every year. One of my usual visits is the Wee People merchant, a woman who makes hand sewn whimsical dolls. Behind the shop in a small, private courtyard stands a covered shrine with a beautiful wee goddess inside.
As I stood before the shrine, I felt a pang of…something. Something flickered inside me, however briefly, that recalled memories of nag champa, crackling embers, songs raised to heaven. Possession, ecstasy. Mystery. Perhaps it was this last element, the Mystery, that most stirred me, and that I most miss. I walked away from Wicca and (dis)organized religion some years ago now, and while I know it was the right decision, the vacant spot became a vacuum. Where once was magic there is now a maw. Where once was awe there is now confusion. I don’t miss the politics and the bullshit. I don’t miss the fluff bunnies, the hippies, the freaks, or most of the fringe groups. I don’t miss the over-sexed, over-zealous, eternally pubescent personalities or the adolescent “theology”. I miss neither that god nor that goddess.
I do, however, miss the moon.
There is romance in the dark. There is a quite sensuality that embraces spirituality borne of the equality between death and rebirth. Deep within the womb of Mystery traditions, there is a poetry that smells of lavender and decay, of salt water and stillness. Underneath the watchful eye of the pregnant moon, myth and magic shape the dark, breathe life into thick air, call out those of us who are restless in the skins we were born with. Night spirituality, the call of the sacred that speaks to the unspoken, that calls to the unseemly and occult, draws something out of me that I desperately need.
But I have forgotten how to find it.
I think the feelings you described in the latter part of your entry is why so many study some form of a nature religion or spirituality in the first place. Many stumble into Wicca and find the Goddess,just as many who are interested in magic stumble into Wicca.
I may be cynical, but I believe Wicca is losing members as its practitioners mature in their spiritual growth. I left Wicca early in my studies as I did not completely agree with polytheism. Oh, and the pagan personalities came to be quite irksome at best.
I dont know if Wicca is losing members or not, and I hesitate to make blanket statements about the maturity of the spirituality of Wiccans. For me personally, one of the things that I liked abotu Wicca was that the flexibility in the mythos and theology allowed me to formulate my own deep interpretation of theology.
The problem for me wasn’t Wicca per se so much as it was other Wiccans. Yes, there are lots of things about Wicca I either didn’t care about or didn’t like (magic, polytheism, fertility, to name a few) but on the whole, the lack of dogma was appealing. What drove me away was the name-calling, the “Holier than thou” attitudes, the obstinate belief that Wicca was necessarily one thing and one thing only–that there was no room for ecelectics/Traditionals/lay people/priests etc. TAke your pick. Somebody was always wrong.
And I got tired of everyone telling me *I* was wrong. So, fuck it, I took my toys and left.
But yes, most Wiccans, in my experience, don’t care much abou theology, and have a very immature belief system. But certainly not all. I”ve met some intensely spiritual and intelligent Wiccans. so I guess it really goes for all religions, not just Wicca. *shrug*
I must apologize for my blanket statements about all Wiccans. I was speaking only from personal experience, as so many of the Wiccans I knew have left the faith.
What I find so inspiring is how much Wicca has enriched the spiritualities of the ex-members I know. Whether they became non-Wiccan pagans, Buddhists, Christians, or whatever, they admit their new spiritual lives have been touched by the freshness and imagination of Wicca.
You don’t have to apologize; I hear what you’re saying. I’ve felt the same way sometimes.
It’s good when someone can leave a faith–any faith–and not feel jaded. It took me awhile after leaving the circle, so to speka, to be able to acknowledge that I did learn something from Wicca and that I am better off for having bee part of that community. I think we do ourselves a disservice if we leave something that once enriched us and can no longer see the good in what we had. It might no longer fit, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it wasn’t good.
I commend you for having such resolve and will. YOu did something good for yourself, be proud.
Wicca is a great religion to look into and relates heavily to your post.