Cloud Sleeping On My Tongue

General malaise seems to be the common theme in my life right now. That’s why I haven’t written anything. The family’s been sick, things at work are tense due to middle management screwing things up . . . I haven’t read anything in weeks, so I haven’t anything to write about.

I feel stretched very thin, and this isn’t a good thing. Obligation is a funny beast. On the one hand, what would life be without the people we are entangled with, to whom we obligate ourselves and relinquish our precious time? But on the other hand, at some point those relationships feel less like an embrace than a stranglehold. There’s a fine balance between relationships that sustain you, and relationships that drain you.

That wasn’t supposed to rhyme. Whatever.

And it isn’t that I mean to imply that any particular set of relationships are draining. It’s not the individual people. It’s the obligation itself. It’s the knowing that I am not my own, that there are parts of me that have been “leased out” to others, and are therefore not my own to do with as I please. I have obligations to workmates, to children, to friends, and to lovers. And where does that leave me? What part of me have I reserves for the furthering of my own goals and aspirations? In the midst of these entanglements, surely there has to be room for me, for me to breathe in and feel content that I am living to enrich others as well as myself.

It’s hard to find that sometimes, however. It is sometimes difficult to feel that I have done enough, both for myself and for others.

I don’t really want to dwell on this, however. This isn’t that kind of blog. It was just something on my mind, and since I haven’t anything else to write about, I figured I would say a little bit about it and move on. I hope I can find my center soon. I miss my voice.

Tags: introspection, obligation, relationships

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