Feminism: the radical idea that I can think for myself
May 28th, 2007
Occasionally I’ll read something in another person’s blog that irritates me enough that I have to respond to it. I read this post this afternoon, and after I finished shaking my head I decided to comment. I’ve reposted it here, because I don’t want to forget.
Truly, I’m not a feminist, unless your definition of feminism is “the radical idea that women are people.” What I am, though, is tired of people who have never walked in my shoes thinking they have any idea what is best for me. I’m tired of people bandying about the term “ethics” and pretending they have my interests at heart when they are merely protecting their own worldviews. Don’t tell me you just want to be ethical when what you really want is to make me feel guilty about some set of choices that I’ve made. If I’ve made a bad choice, I will surely incur the damages of that choice. I don’t need some moral tribunal to confer upon me some arbitrary and artificial guilt. As I’ve said before, guilt and shame are deeply tied to my morals, my character, my sense of responsibility toward my moral self and my society. If I’ve done something that goes against my character and my god-values, I will feel shame on my own. I don’t need you to turn my head toward your mirror. I know where I’ve hung my own, and yours doesn’t show me much anyway.
But, to respond to the assertion that women who seek abortions ought to know what they’re really getting into:
I’m certain that some women regret having their abortions and wished they’d given the matter some more thought, had considered all their options, had had better support, etc.
I’m equally certain that some women regret their decisions to become mothers. They resent their child(ren), their husbands, the society that glorified motherhood as the pinnacle of femininity. They grow bitter, callous, withdrawn. They become bad mothers, wives, friends. They become empty.
The simple fact is that no choice we make can be made in 100% certainty forever. We can be certain now; we can’t be certain about tomorrow. We all carry our fair amount of regret about decisions made in certainty at some other point in our lives. That’s a basic fact of human life.
If women are to be encouraged to become mothers, perhaps we have an ethical obligation to show them the reality of what they are choosing. Not merely pink toes and diapers hanging on the line to dry, but middle of the night feedings. Not enough sleep. Sore nipples. Thrush. Depression. Loneliness. Loss of sex drive. Gross fatigue. Loss of privacy. Loss of self-centeredness. Sacrifice. Endless sacrifice.
For many of us mothers, all of that is worth it. All the misery of motherhood is worth it. For many of us.
Ethically, if we provide legal, safe abortion, we should provide women with the knowledge of what they are choosing to do. Continue their lives as planned. Salvage a starving marriage. Go back to school. End morning sickness. Dedicate more time to the children they already have. Dedicate more time to themselves.
For many of us mothers who have had abortions, these are truths we’ve already embraced. We already know how liberating the end of an unwanted pregnancy is. We look to our children and we may think about what might have been. We might have learned to love the child. We might have made it with them in tow.
But it’s okay, too, if we choose not to. It’s okay to take action to stave off an undesired future.
The only ethical obligation we have to pregnant women is to treat them as intelligent, thinking human beings who are completely capable of making their own difficult decisions without other people deciding what is important for them to know or not know, what is important for them to consider. All the information is readily available for any woman that wants it. Presuming to take it upon one’s self to educate the poor, pregnant woman seeking abortion about the reality of what she is doing is about the more pretentious, insulting thing I can imagine. Even in the throes of pregnancy, we are quite capable of thinking for ourselves.
But, I’m sure we all appreciate the concern.
Thanks for reading my post and responding with such passion and clarity. You clearly are an intelligent, well informed woman who must have weighed many factors in making your decision to abort. As I reflect on abortion, I find myself in the awkward position of espousing my moral views for women who find themselves in difficult and even desperate circumstances. My aim is not to condemn. As the adoptive father of two special needs children who could have easily been aborted, I simply hope and pray that more women in these situations would choose this option. I’m much more interested in promoting adoption than prosecuting abortion.
I hear you, Pete. And hearing that you’re an adoptive father makes a big difference and helps me understand where you’re coming from. Thank you for sharing that. I really appreciate it. :)