Junk Food Shame
July 2nd, 2007
I have done a lot of things in my life that I should feel embarrassed, guilty, or even ashamed of. I have said horrible things to people. I have broken promises. I have made promises knowing full well I was going to break them. I’ve betrayed trusts. I’ve lied. I’ve selfishly put my needs before those of loved ones. I have done truly despicable things.
The horrible part is that I don’t usually feel bad while I’m doing these things. If I feel any kind of regret, it usually isn’t until much later.
Yesterday, however, something very strange happened. My husband and I went grocery shopping for the 4th of July, one of my favorite holidays, and we made the mistake of shopping while we were starving. As we wandered up and down the aisles buying bag after carton after box of junk food for the celebration, we turned to each other and asked, “What are we going to have for dinner?”
The hamburgers and shrimp were for the 4th. Hot dogs? Too banal. Spaghetti? Not in the mood. Finally I came upon the perfect dish: chili, Fritos and cheese, layered in a baking dish, and topped with flaky biscuits. As I suggested it, both our eyes got bigger and we smiled at each other in gleeful anticipation, and hurried to finish our shopping so we could go home and eat the most white trash dinner we could think of.
At some point we both turned to each and said, “We can’t tell anybody we ate this.” And we were serious. We were ashamed.
I made the dish as soon as we got home, and we settled in front of the television with the kids to watch Ghostbusters, drink beer, and gobble Frito pie. And as we sat there eating, we didn’t look at each other. We ate in silence. Because we were both filled with awful guilt over eating one terrible-for-you, nutritionally vacant dish.
As I sit here typing, I remember the feeling. I remember the guilt I felt serving the food to my daughter (My son wouldn’t eat that crap. He’s only 4 but he has a thing about eating healthy.) I felt guilty that it tasted yummy. And I remember promising myself I wouldn’t eat like this again in a very long time.
As I said up front, I’ve done shitty things in my life and not felt a modicum of guilt until much later. Now, here I am, a healthy, reasonably slender woman who only occasionally indulges in utter garbage eats, and I was virtually wallowing in shame. How did this happen? Why did I feel so overwhelmed with ickiness?
It could be any number of things, really. It could be the social messages I hear playing over and over in my head that say “You must be healthy and thin!” It could be memories of childhood where we ate unhealthful foods because it was what we could afford. It could be that I don’t want to teach my children that it’s okay to eat junk food for dinner. It could be that I worked hard to lose 60 pounds back in ’05 and I don’t want to ever get unhealthy again.
Could be any of those things. Could be all of those things. Could be something else entirely that I haven’t put my finger on. But regardless of what the trigger was, it bothers me. It bothers me that I feel not only guilty but ashamed of what I ate, like it was some kind of moral corruption. The idea that food could be tied to character or morality, even deep in my subconscious, worries me. I don’t have any answers today. I’m just thinking out loud.
I understand the feeling. I get like that in the grocery store. I want everything in my cart to be healthy and wholesome. When I do need to buy junk foods for any reason I feel like I should stand up and make an announcement to everyone in the store that I don’t normal eat like this but I have to make a certain dish for a special occasion or else I’d be buying only “good” food.
I do that, too! And I find myself looking in other people’s grocery carts and making judgments about them. I remember watching this one woman pull carton after carton of sugar cereal, Little Debbie’s, Kool-Aid, soda, ice cream, donuts, etc from her cart. Not one vegetable. Not one actual dinner item. And then I watched her pay with food stamps and I was so angry at her because she had these little kids with her and I knew that’s what they were going to to home and eat. And I jsut wanted to shake her.
But how do I know what else she already has at home? How do I know they don’t eat well balanced meals every single day, which is more than I can say for my own kids.
And moreover, who the hell do I think I am to sit in judgment of the food other people do–or don’t–eat?
Why all this moral indignation about food?
It comes from the media, new information on the web. I myself did tons of research on trans fats, and no matter what you try its hard to avoid them, I haven’t been to a fast food restaurant in 3 years because I would feel so much shame.
checking every label on foods that could have trans fat. I watch while my younger half- brother and sister are feed trans fat by my mother and she says its ok because they are young. society is ignorant and mislead a lot. Frankly its hard to afford organic or soy products. So what I do is stick to the produce section. Pesticides or not, they are nutritious foods.
I just found your blog and am loving your posts. You are hysterical!
It’ a dangerous place, the fridge. Home to our industrial processed nutrition-free long life poison diets. And now guilt too?
What’s wrong with shrugging your shoulders, burying your head, and supersizing your indifference? Most human behavior is determinedly second rate.
I suggest blaming the food companies who told us for years that their junk was good for our kids. Blame the for-hire politicains who fail to protect society when what’s good for business is bad for people. Blame the food educators for not frightening you enough. Blame your mom. Blame the fat girl next door who still seems happy. Blame amnesia. Blame buddha for setting a bad example. Blame God. Don’t blame Mohammed - praise be and all that. Blame penguins. Blame Martians. But never, under no circumstances what-so-ever blame yourself for a moment of human weakness.
Some nutters say guilt is good - it lets yur know when yur messed yur pants. I say guilt is bad, unless you can heap it on someone else.
Nice comment.
I guess you’ll read my diary..
Ciao
Oh man your writing is awesome.
I don’t believe in healthy food can really be healthy if it does not allow you to relish tasty junk food sometimes.
But hey thats just me i live on junk :D