I Don’t Want No Twitter Chatter
May 28th, 2008
I received an email not too long ago indicating that a good friend of mine wanted to follow me on Twitter.
I sighed, deleting the email. I will not now, nor anytime in the near future (I dare not say “never” for the word “never” seems to attract the attention of the universe who will then go out of its way to prove you wrong) sign up for Twitter. It isn’t that I don’t think it’s a cute idea, or that it is useful for some people, but for me, Twitter is exactly what is wrong with adult friendships.
As a teenager in high school, I had the best friends anyone could ask for. A lovely, small, full-of-life artist who brought sun into my world and taught me about love. A late-blooming, intelligent writer with a soft spot for British literature. A wild-at-heart Mormon with a taste for German philosophy and fresh rosemary. These were my closest friends, the girls who knew all my secrets–who I loved, where I hurt, my shame, my fear, my voice, my laughter.
We were thick as thieves, the four of us. We talked about everything, from school, to romance, to sex, to the fear of being on our own. We wondered what the future would bring. We wondered if we’d lose each other (we would). We discussed religion and art and philosophy one minute and Xena the Warrior Princess the next.
But we grew up and we grew apart. And I don’t have friends like that anymore.
What I do have are blog posts to read instead of actual people to talk to. We’re so busy–oh, so terribly caught up in our own lives!–that we don’t have time to sit with friends at a posh cafe downtown and swill wine and slurp soup for hours, talking over all the things that held our fancy in our carefree youth. And even when there is time, when we make time, we fill the conversation with venting about work, or complaining about a lover or cooing over our children that we don’t reach down very far and bring up the topics that actually reveal who we are.
And if your friends dont’ know who you are, what’s the point?
Twitter makes all this even worse. “Hey, I’m standing in line at the bank behind this lady wearing a white silk blouse and a bright pink bra. omg what is she thinking?!” and “My son just peed on the floor”–these are interesting tidbits, but they don’t make a real friendship. The problem, however, is that when we’re inundated with this pseudoinformation about what the people we care about, we get an artifical feeling of closeness. Oh, sure, I know what Alice is up to, I hear from her on Twitter all the time.
What’s she thinking about? What’s she working toward? What is she afraid of? What is she longing for?
I don’t blame Twitter, of course–if anything, Twitter is an outgrowth of vapid adult relationships, not the cause of it. But it’s not something I need more of in my life. There is plenty of chatter–I want more substance. I want dinner and real conversation deep into the night. I want healthy friendships built on a foundation of intimacy and closeness, and that don’t consist primarily of clicking “send”.
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I just started using twitter recently. More a diversion on slow work days than anything else. However, I think you may have inspired me to twitter at a slightly deeper level. We’ll see how that goes. It’s already kind of losing its charm.
I guess i kind of see twitter the same way I do my facebook and myspace accounts… a way to say to my friends, “Hey, I’m at work and don’t really have time to call and chat, but I’m thinking about you, so here’s a poke from facebook and here’s a comment for your myspace page. I find it works well for me to only have my real life friends connected on these accounts.
Twitter, of course is a little less personal and direct, but in some ways fills the same purpose. It also allows me to answer “what are you doing?” in one spot and have it update myspace, facebook, and maybe my own website if I ever get around to rebuilding it.
Anyway, thanks for a great post. And timely due to my recent foray into twitter-land!
Marry me.
I completely agree with you. Twitter isn’t the problem; it’s merely a symptom of our disparate society. We think that we can know others and, more importantly to our own psyches, be known by “tweeting” all of the mundane details of our lives. … We have our comfortable, isolated silos of existence, but no true friendships.
Amber, thank you for sharing. In so many senses I agree, I have always struggled with small talk, searched for authentic relationships, found them occasionally, and they are a delight to my soul.
And although the best friendships never need small talk, many of my close friends I first got to know through small talk.
Which is why I have found twitter so useful. It’s a great way to meet fascinating, exciting new friends who have wonderful blogs. Many of my favourite blogs and bloggers online I found through twitter.
Substance is important, but tasty snacks are good sometimes too.
I should have added - I’d be interested to know what you think of starting friendships through small talk. Feel free to email or reply in comments!
That’s actually a really good point, David. I never thought about Twitter as a way to meet new people–I’ve only thought of it as a way to keep up with people I already knew.
I will be the first person to admit that I don’t really understand social networking in the networking and meeting new folks sense. Which is ridiculous, really, because I met my husband on a MUD back in 1995! And when I played Everquest I made tons of friends, several of whom I met in real life and who became part of my intimate circle. But I guess that felt different because we were all immersed in another world–EQ/MUD wasn’t an extension of this realm, it was another place entirely, and those interactions were just as real as the ones I have in the office, and to some extent more real.
And I don’t have that same feeling about MySpace, Facebook,even blogs and Twitter. It’s this realm, just…less awesome.
But, please don’t mistake me–I do see the value in what you’re saying. I get it, even if it doesn’t work for me. And maybe one of the reasons it doesn’t work for me is because of the dearth of close in-person friendships I currently experience. Maybe I don’t believe I’m capable of engaging in relationships like that anymore. Maybe I don’t think I’m interesting enough to hold someone’s attention long distance. I don’t know. It’s something for me to think about.
Hi Amber,
Thanks for the thoughtful post. It’s interesting — I too have always been turned off by social networking sites and things like Twitter (I used to *rail* on them every time I’d get an invite, even if it was from one of my bff & a’s).
It wasn’t until I started working for a small web design agency filled people (guys, no less) who *love* twitter and facebook and most things social web that I started to understand what the buzz is all about.
I actually don’t think twitter is ‘for’ authenticity (and I spend, on average, 4 nights a week with engaged in ‘authentic friendship acts’ not involving the internet). I think the point (or rather, effect) of these weird little tools is to help people feel connected to a larger social network — to engender a sense that you’re surrounded by people. Doing things. Eating. Going to work. Plain ole, not-that-clever, regular stuff. It’s noise — we’re not alone in the universe.
I also think twitter is much more suited to professional (or ’shallow’, and I don’t mean in that pejoratively) relationships than it is to close ones. Getting interrupted with statements like “I forgot to each lunch again! Oh No!” used to be unspeakably annoying to me, but over time it’s helped me know, for instance, the VP of Marketing at XYZ co. a little better. And slightly humanized my professional life in the process. Not bad.
I think you’re totally right to point out that there’s a big lack of authentic friendship time in our lives these days — It takes a lot of work to stay socially healthy with full time jobs, kids (which I don’t have), etc. thrown into the mix. But I think twitter, facebook, and all the other nameless ones serve a different purpose. Hopefully (after they recover from their awkward teenage years), we’ll see what this kind of social networking on the web can really contribute.
Thanks again for a thought-provoking post!
~Tiffani
I agree that Twitter is over-rated, and at times feeds into the “pseudoconversations” we have in “pseudorelationships”. However, I find it really useful, along with Facebook, as a networking tool. I’ve found others in my field (career) and with similar interests (parenting toddlers) through using it, and I like to put my name out there using Twitter. Since so many do like using it that way, I take the opportunity to use that networking tool.